Lenovo and UPS completely FAIL to deliver my new Laptop

On 30.8.2016 I ordered my new Lenovo P70.
A 4400eur workhorse of a workstation-laptop that was supposed to accompany me for the next 5 years to come.

On 3.09.2016 my payment was acknowledged.
...so far so good.
Somehow on the same day I was asked to register within 30 days for my 5 year extended waranty. Despite obviously not having a laptop for weeks to come. However after a quick email I was told that I only needed to register after actually receiving the laptop.

On 10.9.2016 I got a strange notification that I was shipped???? a 5 year waranty. However that is physically possible.

On 14.9.2016 I was informed that my laptop was delayed and would be shipped on 27/09/2016 (+1 week).

On 22.9.2016 I was informed that my laptop was delayed and would be shipped on 20/10/2016 (+1 month).
However 2 days later I was already informed that my hardware had been shipped. However
  • with an empty tracking number
  • no mention what shipping service was used
  • login data for a broken shop system that doesn't allow me to see or do anything at all despite look at the same error code in Firefox, Chrome and Safari on MacOS, Windows and Android.
On 27.9.2016 I finally got an answer that of all the possible shipping companies, Lenovo in their infinite wisdom had chosen UPS. ...and a tracking number.  ...that's when the "fun" starts.
I never ever choose UPS for anything. It's not a regular parcel service. It's a business 2 business curier and as such ONLY works for delivering to businesses that have offices that are open every weekday 9-5. They are completely incapable of delivering to a private address of anyone who works during the day. They don't have offices, robotic parcel-pickup stations or a way of deliverting to dropoff points or other neibours. They never invested in any of that because business 2 business couriers don't need that.

I don't work in the same city Mo-Fr where I live Sa+So. The city where I work changes frequently.

UPS answered that
  • I can not pick up my order on a Saturday because they are closed.
  • I can not reroute my package while it is still in Cologne (there it was scanned again and again for 4 days straight. 4-5 times a day. Without going anywhere.)
  • Lenovo has explicitely forbidden them from rerouting the package to my workplace and that was only possible after the first delivery-attempty anyway-.
  • They are incapable of routing the laptop to the only UPS partner shop for pickup.
  • They never invested in their own Packstation -network.
  • They are incapable of drop-shipping into my shed behind a code lock.
Lenovo answered that
  • They can not change the delivery address after it was shipped. (Not understanding that this wasn't what I asked. I asked Lenovo to simply allow UPS to change the address.)

On 6.10.2016 I just received a message that I have registred for my 5 year waranty....despite never having done that because I never received a laptop yet.
I have moved heaven and earth to find a way to stop work very, very early and take 3 trains, 1 taxi and 1 car ride to get to the depot 30min before it closes (according to the website).... only to be informed on telephone that the depot has changed it's opening hours and will close way before I have any chance of getting there.

So on 7.10.2016 my laptop will  be automatically returned to China.
...Levono said they would refund all of it. (I hope that covers the paid for exended warranty.)